Hi All. New here. Question after suicide scare

Hello everyone. This is my first time writing here. I have question about how to know if and when you are ready to let your higher self in and how do you really know if you are tapping into your psychic energy.

As a child, my mother often went to visit psychics. At a seance, a woman started to speak in a man's voice telling my mother that I'm going to do something great for the psychic community in my mid to late thirties.

Fast forward a few years. I am now thirty seven and I was hospitalized friday  for suicide. Since then I have been in counseling and something made me think about God, higher powers...that sort of thing. But then it hit me that I am looking for something in this area. I think I'm looking for a way to make sense out of my life and myself.

I just started reading a book today called, "Spiritual Growth," by Sanaya Roman. The first chapter is about meditating and finding your higher self and letting it come to you.

So I started to do this. In the middle of my mediation when I was starting to visualize my higher self a door slammed shut. I proceeded. I couldn't get a could idea of what my higher self looked like. All I saw was a large, monolithic type rock slowly pushing the ground up as it came closer. It was like it didn't want to come near me. Then something hit me, figuratively, and a thought came into my head that I'm not ready. That's all the thought was..."I'm not ready."

I am not sure what to make of all of this. I have consulted runes and tarot cards. They both are telling me to make forward progress, but I feel like I'm not sure how to make forward progress when my higher self doesn't want to come to me.

Can anyone make sense of this? Thank you so much for the help.

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My guess would be that you are in your beginning stages of discovering your higher-self.
You have probably always been aware of it and now you have finally made the decision to get to know yourself better.
Your Higher-Self is always with you, it is you. It may take you a while to recognize its voice. And when you do its all forward from there.

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